Telephone shows no mercy for sleepy college student
By H.G. Miller
You
know how it is. I´m just trying to sleep, enjoying my favorite
dream — the one with the girl from English class, several sandy
beaches and the James Bond theme on repeat — when the shrill ringing
of the telephone interrupts my quiet slumber.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Miller?”
“Yeah.”
“Hi, this is the Lawrence Journal-World.”
“Yes, you called me yesterday.”
“But, today, we have an even better offer.”
Click. I roll over and try to find my way back to dreamland. But no, it´s 10 a.m. and somebody else doesn´t want me to sleep.
“Hello?”
“Hi, it´s me, did I wake you?”
“Yes.”
Click. I´m not sure who that was, but I figure they´ll call back if it´s important. My only concern right now is the new set of powder-blue flannel sheets I have yet to fully break in. Ring. I turn and look at the telephone with an intense hatred that it seems to brush away without any feeling at all. It rings again.
“What?”
“Well, aren´t we grumpy.”
“Sorry, Mom.”
Okay, this is family. I can deal with a heartfelt phone call from my mother. I´m sure she´s just worried about losing touch with me as the years pass by.
“I just wanted to see if you were still coming home for Thanksgiving,” she tells me.
She hasn´t quite figured out that free food is hard to come by, and I´ll always be willing to spend a few hours on crowded highways to get it. So, I tell her of course I´m coming.
“What time do you think you´ll get here?”
“Thursday.”
Click. Enough of that. Sleep above sentimentality, you know. I think it´s just some innate thing that guys are born with. Anyway, which side was I laying on? Ring.
“Arg!” I shout many expletives at the telephone, but the blasted thing keeps ringing anyway.
“Yes?”
“Hi, is your roommate home?”
“Is he ever home when you call at this time?”
“Well, I just thought...”
“Think about calling in the afternoon.”
Click. This is becoming absurd. Why don´t I just turn off the ringer?
That´s a nice, logical solution to my problem. Now, if I can just find the little switch. Ring. I drop the phone in fright. It did that on purpose, I just know it.
Meanwhile, whoever it is on the other end of the line speaks to the dead air.
“Hello? Hello?” After a while, he gives up, and I hear the dial tone humming from the receiver as it lays on the floor. I cautiously kick it back into place and wait. Trying to turn off the ringer only upset it, what can I do now? Ring.
I decide to be aggressive. The time for hesitancy has passed and all that.
“This had better be important,” I say into the phone.
“Uh...”
“Come on, spit it out, I´ve got things to do.”
“Is this Mr. Miller?”
“It´s your lucky day.”
“Lay it on me.”
“We´re calling for donations to the policeman´s fund.”
“I donated $55 earlier this year.”
“Really? I don´t have your name on my list.”
“It´s on the ticket.”
Click. Ring. I see. It´s a game now. All right, little phone, bring it on.
“Hello?”
“Are you okay?”
“I´m fine. What is it?”
“I can call back later, if it´s a bad time.”
“Look, I´m already up.”
“No, you don´t sound so good. I´ll call back later. Get some rest.”
Click. Okay, I don´t find this funny at all. I pace my bedroom and try to think of some rational end to this episode. I´m in college, I should be able to figure this out. After a quick trip to the bathroom (I did just wake up, you know), I decide to attempt dismantling the ringer again. Maybe I can sneak up on the thing. For a moment, I think I may be losing my mind.
Then, it rings again.
I pick up the receiver, while getting a firm grasp of the line coming out of the wall jack. I try to speak calmly.
“Hello?”
“Hi. It´s your editor. I was just wondering if you were working on a column.”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “I´ve got an idea or two.”
“Great, do you think that... ”
Click.
H.G. Miller is a Hutchinson sophomore in English.
